Equal Opportunity Lovers, Not Equally Accepted

The desire to write about this issue was sparked by two incidents:  a conversation with a close friend and also watching a recent episode of The Tyra Show.  I first want to say that I love Tyra Banks and her show and all that she covers on it and also my close friend, who I am not going to name.  This essay is not a critique of either of them but how society perceives us.  And by us I mean bisexuals.  Now this more refers, in my opinion, to male bisexuals but I think that many female bisexuals can relate to this issue just as easily.  But what is the issue?  Bisexuals are too easily discounted and rejected by both the straight community and the homosexual community.  A fact that I find appalling.  And on top of that we are often labeled as confused, being put down as not understanding our own sexual orientations.  People of all sexual orientations feel the need to tell us this, to tell us our orientation, despite what we tell them.

My friend and I were having a debate on this issue.  She comes from the school of thought that supports that bisexuality is possible, but just not in men.  And she was trying to convince me that I am not really a bisexual but that I was gay, because I have had sex with men.  But I have also had sex with women!  And enjoyed it.  Does that make me straight?  Nope!  If I had sex with 100 women and one man, I would still be labeled as gay.  All it takes is once, right?  It makes me angry.  My sexual partners are pretty evenly split between men and women, and also staggered.  It is not like I had sex with women first but only men recently.  When I go back and think about it, actually, it is really alternated:  if one partner is a woman, the next is usually a man and vice versa.  Does that not seem to scream the definition of bisexuality?  But no, to most people I have discussed it with it screams confusion.  That I do not know what I want.  How dare I be attracted to people regardless of what is in their pants!  I should restrict myself, really.

And then I watched an episode of The Tyra Banks show recently where Tyra was reflecting on social experiments she had conducted on her show.  One of which was "The Gay Kingdom".  This social experiment was basically getting a wide range of people in the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender community together and see how they interact and disagree.  She brought a masculine gay man, a feminine gay man, a transgender woman, a butch lesbian, a lipstick lesbian, a drag queen, and a bisexual man.  They had to assign roles (king, queen, jester, cook, pauper, criminal, and concubine) to each other and without getting into to much detail about who got what Jasen (the bisexual man) was assigned the role of pauper.  Now a pauper is basically a poor man, a serf if you will.  He was the low of the low in the constructed social hierarchy, a reflection on how bisexuals are viewed.  And then the group had to exile one member and they exiled Jasen, because he is not really gay.  Wow, what an insight in how bisexuals are viewed.  For the entire episode, Jasen was told that he was just confused and to just get off the fence.  I really felt for him, my friends tell me the same thing.

So the straight community typically views us as gay and the homosexual community say we do not fit with them and are also just confused.  So where do we go?  Tyra made an interesting comment, saying that bisexuals can fit in with the straight community, perhaps, so that could be possibly why we are disliked.  I do not feel like this is true at all, on the practice end.  I do not feel like I fit in with the straight community because I am bisexual, but rather that I do not fit in for that reason.  The parameters of what is straight is very straightforward:  one only has sex with one of the opposite gender.  Only.  But what are the parameters of the homosexual community?  That one only has sex with one of the same gender?  That does not seem fitting for a group that allows transgenders in.  I am not a member of the straight community because I have sex with men, but can I not be a member of the homosexual community because I have sex with women too?  Watch out my fellow bisexuals, the homosexual community might be making major advances for social equality, but it seems that we are not quite included in it.  Or we are, but in name only.  We are just confused, and that is not a sexual orientation.

Now I do understand why many people do see bisexuals as confused:  many people when they come out say that they are bisexual and then later come out as gay.  It is seen as a transitional step that makes coming out easier.  And I do not discount this in the slightest.  I imagine it is easier to come out that way because hopeful parents can still hope to have biological grandchildren.  But just because some (if not many) people come out this way, it does not mean that no bisexuals exist.  That is a gross generalization.  I am a bisexual man, I do enjoy women sexually just as much as I enjoy men sexually.  This is not lessened at all because I am with a man currently.  Just as it would not be different if I was with a woman.

All this pointing fingers and labeling as caused a lot of problems for bisexuals, or at least it has for me.  What do we call ourselves?  Do we wear our bisexuality on our sleeve like a badge and take all of the rude comments?  Do we hide it and keep it to ourselves, because after all sexuality is personal and does not need to be broadcasted?  I know that I have started to adopt the do-not-tell-unless-asked policy; this entails letting my partner assume what they want about my sexuality.  Women assume that I am straight and men assume that I am gay.  Is this deceitful?  Quite possibly.  But my one defense is that I do not lie when asked.  But usually my partners just make their own assumptions.

I have sent and email to Tyra Banks herself, suggesting that perhaps she could conduct a social experiment about bisexuality.  My interest, sorry ladies, is more in the study focusing on men.  Why?  Because I think it is generally more accepted that women can be bisexual.  I know this isn't entirely true, I have heard from numerous bisexual women that they are called confused.  But I think it is more accepted that male bisexuality.  So I have asked Tyra to explore it and also mentioned my blog to her, so we will see if she responds.  I am crossing my fingers but not quite getting my hopes up, that is one busy woman, I know!  But for the closing of this post, I am going to attach my email to her for your reading pleasures:

Dear Tyra (or whom ever this concerns),

I first want to say that I am a huge fan of yours.  I watch your show, The Tyra Show, very regularly and I thoroughly enjoy the topics that you tackle, and more importantly, how you tackle them.  It is truly and inspiration and refreshing to see on television.

I was recently watching an episode where you were reflecting on past social experiments that you have conducted and one really caught my attention:  The Gay Kingdom.  It was really interesting but what caught my attention most was not the dissension amongst them but rather Jasen, the bisexual man.  I am also a bisexual man and I really felt for him.  I think it is a huge issue in our society, it is completely (well maybe not completely, but definitely much more) acceptable for a woman to be bisexual but not a man.

I have been told by numerous friends that I am not actually bisexual but gay.  And that offends me, not because I think there is anything wrong with being gay (my boyfriend is!) but because that is not who I am and people feel that they can just discount my sexuality because it does not fit in how they think.  It is an enormous stereotype that men cannot be attracted to both genders.  Perhaps it is rare, but I believe it was certainly possible.

Hedda Lettuce mentioned that many men come out as bisexual first because this is a transitional stage and easier to do.  I completely agree with that.  But that does not make bisexuality for men an impossibility.  And you said something that was really interesting as well, that perhaps the gay community views bisexuals the way they do because they can fit in the straight world.  Perhaps this is true in thought, but in practice I think its not.  As a bisexual man I feel like I do not fit anywhere.  The straight community rejects me because I am labeled as gay and the gay community meets my bisexuality with raised eyebrows, labeling me as confused.  I have neither, and that is frustrating.

Sorry, I just read what I wrote and it sounds like I am ranting.  Not my intention.  I was writing this email for two purposes.  One, I think that maybe you could do an episode where you explore bisexuality.  I think that would be interesting, especially if you explored it with men.  I am not sure how you could set that up, but it would be a very interesting topic.  

And then two, I just started a blog (I have aspirations to be an essayist one day) and I plan on writing my next piece on bisexuality so I thought I would send you an email on my opinions and hopefully spark your interest enough to do an episode about it.  I am going to copy this email into that next blog post and hopefully I will hear back from you so I can get your thoughts on it (though I am not sure you will respond and I didn't really give you much to say!).  But I do really hope that you read this email and that I get a reply from you, but we will see, I know you are a busy woman!

Best Wishes,

q

PS - I guess I could share the blog with you if you wanted to check it out (www.qcomment.blogspot.com) though I literately just started it so there is not much there!  Once again, I hope to hear from you and talk more about this topic with you!  Thanks :)